Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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