I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
