I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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