There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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