Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
