I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
