My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Nobody cheats on THIS.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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