final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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