Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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