Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
