i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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