I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
