You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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