So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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