You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
