The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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