We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
