I got chris browned last night
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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