dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
