I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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