why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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