i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
