i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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