One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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