Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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