I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
