I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I cannot find my penis.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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