I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
