I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
