My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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