I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
