How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
