someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
