So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
