You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
