I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
