Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
