I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
