I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just cropdusted the office
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
