OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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