I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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