Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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