I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
