Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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