Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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