Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
