Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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