True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
