Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My dick has a subreddit
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
