shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
