I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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