I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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