He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
